Stars: ***
Ulysses Press (2013)
Humour/Parody
Summary: Every parent has hopes and dreams for their child whether it be to be a well-payed doctor, a genius or an Olympic athlete. No more dreaming, make it a reality with this guide to creating and raising a child to be a billionaire, genius, pope, gay, Olympic athlete, astronaut, conqueror, trophy spouse, teen mom, pop singer, vampire, superhero, fireman, president of the USA, supermodel, pro athlete, bestselling author, Stephen Colbert, doctor or pageant queen.
There really is NO way to review this book except to show you some quotes. It’s hilarious but you have to have a sense of humour, especially around some of them such as raising a gay child, teen mom, trophy spouse, pope, supermodel and pageant queen.
Remember as you are reading the quotes, if you feel offended, then the book isn’t for you but please do not leave nasty comments. These aren’t my thoughts, they are in the book and everyone has a difference idea of what’s funny.
Conception
Start planning your child’s future BEFORE you have children so you can follow the advice on Conception. It’s never too early to plan for the future!
From How to Raise a Conqueror:
“Conception: In terms of the physical act of lovemaking, there is only one rule: be on top. A great dictator is either on top or fighting to get on top at all times, as should you be. And your partner.” – pg 51
From How to Raise a Superhero:
“Conception: A romantic vacation getaway. An intimate picnic in private glade beneath a purple sunset. A herd of graceful five-legged-elk prancing across the scorched earth. If you don’t conceive a hero during your vacation at Chernobyl, you can always try putting your sperm in the microwave.” – pg 85
In the Womb
Now that you are pregnant, follow this advice to help mold your baby to be into the future you picked.
From How to Raise a Fireman:
“In the Womb: You can bet your great grandma was putting back cartons of menthols to ease her morning sickness, and she gave birth to the “greatest generation.” Obviously smoking during pregnancy isn’t that bad, so now is the time to spark up and get your little fireman fetus ready to brave the backdraft.” – pg 93
From How to Raise an Astronaut:
“In the womb: As an expectant father, you should be yelling “liftoff” and rattling the coffee table every time your partner stands up. As a mother(ship), you should inundate the womb with space themes, such as the introductory score to 2001: A Space Odyssey, which conveniently is nine months long.” – pg 43
Delivery and Birth
Depending on which future you picked, you get some tips on delivery or birth.
From How to Raise a Teen Mom:
“Birth: The second your baby is born, get her a gurney next to yours in the maternity ward. Have other people’s newborns swaddled and put in her arms. She’ll love it.” – pg 66
From How to Raise a President of the USA:
“Delivery: Having a state-of-the-baby address once your child has been burped and wrapped in the American flag is crucial. Get the media relationship off on the right foot. Yes, of course we drove an American-made automobile to the hospital. No our baby has never used recreational drugs. HIs position on the poor? He wants to help them. To help themselves.”- pg 100
Toys, Infancy, Early Childhood
What do you need to do now that baby is here? Make sure to follow the tips!
From How to Raise a Billionaire:
“Early Years: Like Pavlov’s dogs, you need to train your child to salivate at the smell of money. Burn a bit of a dollar bill on a regular basis. When he asks what that smell is, jam a piece of cake in his mouth.” – pg 12
From How to Raise a Pop Singer:
“Infancy: Ensure your child’s hair/nails/face are professionally done up the moment their hair/nails/face don’t swell up upon contact with those luxuriously toxic beauty products. The next photo op is now.” – pg 72
Various Tips
Depending on the future you chose, there could be more tips on different aspects from pets, dating, teen years, training, bedtime, diet, when to give up and more.
From How To Raise Your Child Gay:
“Diet: The nutrients required to raise a gay son are found almost exclusively in foods of the phallic group. Cucumbers, popsicles, hotdogs without a bun. For dessert, a frozen banana standing erect in a whipped cream base garnished with two strawberries. I’m salivating.” – pg 30
From How To Raise a Supermodel:
“Friends: It’s a fact that gorgeous models only hang out with other gorgeous and/or rich people. The air exhaled by average looking people is too high in calories to risk being around it. Make sure play dates are only with the beautiful babies in the neighbourhood, and always include at least an hour of catwalk crawling, makeup and champagne.” – pg 107
Appropriate Names
The last category is name suggestions for your little one.
From How to Raise a Pope:
“Appropriate Names: John, Paul, John Paul. Appropriate Middle Names: XIIII, IV, XIVII” – pg 25
From How to Raise a Stephen Colbert:
“Appropriate Names: For a boy – Edwin… hahahah, just kdiding, it’s Stephen. For a girl. Stephen. For a Mexican, Esteban Colberto.” – pg 121
*I or a member of my review team received this book for evaluation purposes. Some links above may be affiliate links. All review are honest.
About Kathleen
